10 Simple Ways to Make Your Toddler Happy

Moms, if you desire unconditional love from your toddler, following these guidelines is a good place to start. Until then, expect us to favor daddy in all circumstances.

1. Give me unrestricted access to electronics

You say you want me to learn and grow. Well how about downloading quality apps, and god forbid, paying 99 cents to do so. To make things interesting, I'll plan on investing the same amount of  money and effort on your elderly care as you do on my education/entertainment. Who's downloading crappy free apps now?

2. Mind your own business

Do not stand over me as I play. It's annoying and makes you look needy. Either go out and find yourself a friend or play with me. Your distant stares are unnerving.

3. Everyday is meatless Monday

The only meat touching these sweet toddler lips is processed chicken wrapped in breaded-goodness. Nuggets from McDonalds and Chicken Fries from Canada (my Mama calls them chicken sticks) are both acceptable forms. I'm trying to do the right thing and lead a low-impact, sustainable life. Do you hate mother earth? Because it sure seems like it.

4. Poo poo pants should remain undisturbed

I'm making a beautiful piece of art in my pants that engages all senses - sight, smell, touch, and even sound if you're in the right place at the right time. Please do not stifle me with your silly sign language and enthusiastic pronunciations of "poop". Let me create. Let me be free.

5. Stop all forms of sign language

Sign language makes you look stupid. Do you really think I can't hear you? Saying while doing is inefficient and a waste of everyone's time. Just because you sign doesn't mean that I'm going to do what you demand. I can use my super power of selective vision as well as selective hearing. You're not fooling anybody but yourself. Also, it's pretentious.

6. Complimentary cookies with every meal

This is simple enough.

7. Cheese must always be served in shredded form

Anything sliced, blocked, or stringed is unacceptable and will be immediately discarded.

8. Turn that frown upside down

You really should practice positive thinking. You're always talking about how stubborn I am, or how I refuse to eat vegetables. Instead of focusing on what YOU consider to be bad, why not see these things in a positive light? I'm a spirited kid with endless potential. Yes, I have a specific way of doing things, but that's because I'm so smart and the other ways are stupid. As far as vegetables go, I could choose to eat nothing at all. Is that what you want, a complete lack of nutrition? Just keep putting that delicious Carnation Instant Breakfast into my morning milk, add a little green food coloring, and we'll call it a vegetable.

9. Breakfast and TV are an unbreakable combo

While enjoying my breakfast milk, I must watch "Dinosaur Train". I will start with a friendly reminder by singing the theme song, but if you're not turning on the TV within 5 seconds, I am not ashamed to resort to more effective strategies. Do you really want a tantrum at 6:30am? I think not.

10. Play time is on my terms

 If we sit down to read a book and I point at a picture, then you are required to tell me the name of the object as well as any sound it makes. If we are making a mega block fort, I have every right to knock yours down, but you better not touch mine. These are my toys and therefore my dominion.

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If you fail to live-up to these simple guidelines, I'll go straight to daddy. A little whining goes a long way with that guy.

If you manipulate him using the evil-eye (don't think I haven't noticed), I'll Skype my grandmas. Skype is a powerful tool and I'm not afraid to use it.

Eventually, I will break you.